In The Sun
by omens
Summary: She misses him. She loves him. She's just not sure if she can forgive him. Pre HF.


**Name: **Chris

**Title: **In The Sun

**Rating: **K

**Genre: **Songfic/Angst

**Summary: **Pre HF. She misses him. She loves him. But she's not sure if she can forgive him.

...0...0...0...0...0...0...

_I picture you in the sun, wondering what went wrong  
You've fallen down on your knees, asking for sympathy  
And being caught in between all I wish for and all I need  
I picture you fast asleep, a night comes you can't keep away  
May God's love be with you  
_

I miss him. Everyday I wake up and it hurts just a little bit more, a little bit deeper than the day before.

I still love him. I know I shouldn't, it's been over a year. But he's still in my heart. Sometimes I think he's in my soul as corny as that sounds. He was such a huge part of who I was for so long that at times it almost makes sense to feel this way. Almost. Others I feel vaguely pathetic that I still haven't been able to let go.

I have someone else who loves me now. Someone who is honest with me and tells me that I make her life better just by being in it. How can I take that for granted? Why isn't it enough? Why do I have to push to make it more than it is?

I know why. Because she's not him. Nobody can ever be him.

At first I chalked it all up to first love. There's something really rare and precious about the first person you ever give your heart to. Moreso with us I think because for awhile I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do that. Trust someone that much. It was because it was him. I would never have been able to do it with anybody else. He helped me through the pain. Made it okay to hurt. Healed me.

_I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes  
Cause when you show me myself  
You know I became someone else  
Cause I was caught in between all I wish for and all I need  
I picture you fast asleep, a night that comes you can't keep away  
May God's love be with you  
_

I see him with her and I hate myself. More than that, I'm disgusted with myself.

Why? Because I wasn't able to let it go. Any of it. I couldn't be a big enough person to just accpet the countless apologies and give in to him, to myself. Give myself what I really wanted. What's wrong with me? He said he was sorry.

She was able to do it though. She saw all the flaws that I helped create and was able to get past them. She accepted the things he's done and opens her heart to him everyday. But I couldn't. Still can't. None of us can.

I know, deep down in my heart, that not all of it was his fault. Yeah, I blamed him. We all did. We were hurt, angry, scared. And he was ready to shoulder the burden. He took the blame that he didns't deserve. That's the kind of person he is. He admitted what he did and sufferred the consequences. Why didn't any of get that sooner? It all could have been so different.

_Cause if I find, if I find my way, how much will I find  
If I find, if I find my way, how much will I find  
_

_  
_I pass him in the halls and when our eyes meet I harden my heart so he won't notice. So he won't see all the sympathy I feel and the regret I have. Won't see how much I want to run to him and disappear in his arms like I used to.

He looks at me with eyes full of shame. He hates himself for what he's done. Sometimes he can't een bring himself to look me in the eye, he feels so bad. That made me feel better for a while. I ws hurting so bad, knwing he was too made it all easier. Made it all seem like it was worth it. We went through way too much for it not to mean everything.

We were happy. So happy for so long that it's pitiful we ended up the way we did. If I think too long about it, it makes me bitter. Makes me jaded and angry and that's not who I am. I was once. Ane he made it better.

He made everythig better once.

When I see him with her I want to rage at him for being able to move on. For having the courage or the faith or whatever to move past the pain he caused. To be able to live knowing that he destroyed something so amazing. And not just for the two of us. For all the people he hurt. His friends. The girl who loved him. The boy who just wanted to forget.

_I don't know anymore, what it's for, I'm not even sure  
If there is anyone who is in the sun could you help me to understand  
Cause I've been caught in between all I wish for and all I need  
Oh, maybe I'm not even sure what it's for anymore than me  
May God's love be with you,  
_

I want to let go now.

Of all the pain, the anger, the blame. I just want the hurt to stop and everything to be good again.

It's time to just let it all be over.

_Cause if I find, if I find my way, how much will I find  
If I find, if I find my way, how much will I find _

...0...0...0...0...0...0...

_**'In The Sun' by Howie Day**_


End file.
